Saturday, May 16, 2009

Trust and Proceed

I came upon this magnet and was surprised to see that this mantra of sorts is actually a Cadet Maxim. Over the past week I've put a lot of thought into how I live my life and what makes me who I am. I have been contemplating a big change and confronting all of the questions and fears that come long with such consideration. Along my train of thought came an apparently defining moment of my childhood. I've always been very small. At Catholic school a common PE activity was Dodgeball. Naturally, my strategy was to hide at the back so as not to experience the inherent discomfort in being hit with a ball. And, naturally, I then discovered that once my team was down to two or three people, I was completely vulnerable and totally exposed. So, I came to the logical conclusion that in fourth grade, as a burly girl of 3' 10" I had to put myself out there. I walked away from dodgeball unscathed, exuberant and vitalized.

I strive to move through life with unwavering intrepidity. As I stumble through the Meisner class I'm currently taking with Michael Mendelson at Artists Repertory Theatre, I am called on as an actor to reveal myself truthfully and vulnerably. I can honestly say that I began the class with my usual gusto, but then, inexplicably, I withdrew deep within myself and stayed there, feeling insecure, and even fearful for several weeks of class. Last week I resolved to go into class and confront the work. In what followed, I revealed and uncovered a self in which I feel immensely proud. I walked away feeling light and humble. In my entire life, I am comfortable taking great risks, making mistakes, discovering the truth and finding my own way as I advance into the unknown.

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