Drafts Galore!

May 3, 2021

 

I’m doing that thing again - that I’ve been doing for the last three years (maybe more?!) - where I have drafts upon drafts upon drafts saved, but essentially no published posts on here. I just don’t know how to blog anymore.

I asked Alexa this morning how many days ago February 11 was, because I know from experience that right around 90 days after arriving in a new place, there is a dip. And, my friends, it has been 80 days since I arrived in Switzerland on February 11 and I’m on the downward slope of that dip for sure. I feel myself slipping and sliding and I can’t stop it. It’s funny because this dip happens whether things are going well or not. It’s just a thing that happens. The transition from one phase to another, much like the trimesters in a pregnancy. When you move from one to the other, you’re still pregnant, it’s all still going the way it’s going, but it changes in some ways. In my case, this 90 day dip is usually the easing, creaking, uncomfortable pull from novelty to normal. Or maybe normal-ish.

This time around, most aspects of this move are going the way I had wished and hoped they would. It’s no exaggeration to say that every day I wake up so happy and feel so incredibly lucky to be back here. I’m still pinching myself 80 days into it. But in other ways, I feel like I’m getting sucker punched. You see, I was ready for the dip. I expected the initial bliss to retreat into normality. But this feels different. I feel like I’m being pushed in a different direction than I had planned for myself. It occurred to me today that despite my best efforts, I am being pushed out of my comfort zone and I do not like it. Instead of the usual pull into normal which feels like a groan and a pain, I feel like I’m being ejected from my seat and flying feet first through the air fumbling and freaking out and groping for the ripcord. But I can’t seem to find it. I’m going into a free fall I cannot avoid or stop.

I did not see this coming. 

I had a plan. It was a safe and reliable and I worked my tail off at it and so it’s weird and annoying and just makes me furious that it’s not working. Safe. My plan was safe. Safety. Stability. These were things I really missed about Switzerland being back in the US. Switzerland is so safe. It’s stable. Many expats find it unbearably boring, but I love it. I do feel that safety now being back here. 100%. But it’s physical safety. It’s personal safety. The dangerous ejecting out of my comfort zone seems to be taking place entirely within.

I guess it makes sense. My time back in the States was nothing short of traumatizing. It all happened so fast and each phase roared in with such rapid, overwhelming succession, I never had time to process any of it. When you’re changing diapers and treading water at the same time, there isn’t a lot of time to reflect. 

So that’s what I feel called to do now: reflect. On the need for control, on my definition of success versus others’. On what really matters to me now that I’m putting my money where my mouth is. Because I said for years and years and years that I would do anything to get back to Zurich. And I’ve done it all and I don’t have any excuses for not continuing. I need to push on and past and keep going toward the bigger things I want to do during my short time on this earth. I knew I didn’t want to do it anywhere but here, but now I see that getting back here was just the beginning. The real stuff is yet to be done, and apparently I don’t get to do it my safe and comfortable way. 

What goes up must come down. Let’s see where I land, my dears. And apologies if this blog comes back in a really boring form, but I’m not writing for anyone but me for a bit. It’s just what I need. 

And now I’m pressing “Publish” and NOT “Save” because I cannot resist the dip (catapult?!) and stay in my comfort zone any longer. 

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